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Dele Jegede In Conversation With Prince Yemisi Shyllon
Prof. Toyin Falola

By Toyin Falola

    I was passing by a street in Ibadan when I heard a woman speaking to a goat in the Yoruba language:

Ìwo ewúré yìí, a bó e tí tí, ò gbéra so.

I fed you, this goat, all the time, but you did not grow!

Probably not understanding what the woman was saying, the goat opened its eyes wide and used its legs to scratch the ground.

I don’t know the answer the woman was expecting from the goat. Is it for the goat to double in size? She got angry and spanked the goat. The goat must have felt the pain, just like the woman.

    “TF, are you not going to say something?”

“Say something?” No, I don’t waste time responding to comments and small talk, the ejó wéwé. I won’t reveal my side on issues. The secret of my life is that I don’t have secrets! Keep talking. I accept what you say, dismiss it in my mind, and move on to my next assignment in life. Perhaps, to wonder why I ever met you in the first instance. Of all the billions of people in the world, why you? 

In Nigeria, where you live, no one is guilty of anything anymore. The goat is guilty of not adding more flesh for the woman to slaughter and consume. It is the other person who is always guilty. Your government thinks you are to blame for the country’s woes. You think it is your leaders. Even when the young woman at 19 forged her JAMB result, a former Minister said it was the mistake of JAMB. It was said that Professor Ishaq Olorode, a Muslim, was against the Christian teenager. Ó parí! The Yoruba thought Bose would have the highest score in JAMB, but it turned out to be Ogechukwu. Even my people engage in a tribal war over a forged result. A state Governor lacking the capacity to solve serious problems such as that of IPOB, who closes offices and markets daily, hurriedly convened a committee of the most distinguished professors and red cap chiefs over a forged result. No shame!  

We live in a country of “gaslighters”. You caught two ships which stole your crude oil. You don’t want the Navy and the Army to be trapped in transgressions, so you quickly burn the ships and the crude oil and then blame the ship owner for hiding the thieves. Can the rich ship owner in Lagos put the oil in his ship? Orísirísi

You, reading this, engage in gaslighting. Your pastors do—you are poor because you are a sinner. What has sin got to do with being poor? The real sinners are rich! You blame the school teacher for the F grade of your son. The teacher should have changed the grade. It is not you who is responsible for your wayward daughter who took to prostitution at 19, but your neighbour who discovered a well after looking for a small cricket hole. It is not you who damaged your life; your wicked girlfriend walked into your life after it had been destroyed. Rádaràda!

You need a lecture on gaslighting. Maybe it will occur to you to stop it when you understand it. Or do you carry the head of a rotten fish which destroys its entire body? Perhaps, you have experienced self-inquiry when you set out thinking you made the right decision, but someone around you acts in a way that suggests you were wrong. Gaslighting is done often, especially by someone or people who possess some emotional sway over you, and you start doubting your every decision, your rationality. Questions like, “Am I the bad person here?” “What if I’m truly in the wrong?” becomes a dominant part of your psychological ecosystem. My dear friend, what you feel may not necessarily result from some foul personality dimension. You might simply have been responding to gaslighting; you are being converted to a were without a medical diagnosis. 

I can give you a long list of those who gaslight me: I am the ìkà who did not allow them to jápa; the osó who did not allow them to complete their house; the àjé who did not allow their cars to work; the abatenijé who prevented their promotion; the olóríburúkú who did not enable them to publish their books; the olójúkòkòrò who added their salaries to his; the Falola Babalawo who uses jùjú to write books they had in mind to write. Now, you have examples. Let me introduce you to the idea.

    Those in the academy, what you call the universities, spend what you perceive as useless time thinking. I get paid to think. Remember Tinubu, your president, telling you that he was not being asked to be a carpenter or bricklayer when he was begging for your votes? You accused him of being sick, as if you, a silly person, do not get sick. We all get sick. What we don’t all get are the good doctors located outside of Nigeria. Poor you, you don’t even have money to go to France when you have malaria. Buhari had ear problems, as we were told, and went to Europe for eight months. The Hausa “native doctor” at Agege would have cured this within three minutes of drilling the canals with a screwdriver and hitting the cochlea with a hammer. 

Your professor at the University of Lagos is not a carpenter. He can be doing his job and drinking beer at the same time. Abi? A drunk can write an essay. A long time ago, while talking and drinking red wine, someone decided to popularize the Yoruba word, o jèbi, into a theory. O jèbi (“you are at fault”) has entered our national vocabulary. Dr Uzoma Osuala of Federal University Lokoja and I were in Enugu one evening when someone told another person, “O jèbi now”. So, the word jèbi has crossed the River Niger to reach Enugu! I also heard it in Maiduguri, in the company of my late friend, Abdul Bello. O jèbi has crossed the Kanuri people to Chad. I even heard it at the beautiful Nigerian embassy in Niamey. If you understand what o jèbi means, you can understand the meaning of “gaslight.” In gaslighting, don’t look for gas or a lighter—look for the blame that will set your life on fire.

The term ‘gaslight’ gained popularity after its use in George Cukor’s 1944 movie with the same name. Starring Ingrid Bergman (Paula) and Charles Boyer (Gregory) as a married couple, the movie itself was a spinoff of the Broadway original by Patrick Hamilton, also titled Gaslight. It chronicled Boyer’s (Gregory) attempts at tricking his wife into believing she was insane so he could steal her fortune. Wèrè, Oba olè! The techniques, which now serve as a rudimentary template for understanding what gaslighting is in contemporary times, involved leading his wife to believe that the house’s dimming lights were a result of her imagination. The eventual goal was to get her institutionalized. Those who call me names want to get me to do things for them, are unsatisfied with what I have done, or want to damage my name. My failure, in their were-were, is their success!

     Today, the term ‘gaslighting’ is used in various social circles, attaining the status of a buzzword. It is common to hear it bandied around by young people with or without depth or understanding. Trust people to use new trending words to describe how they feel, whether it applies to them or not. Its popularity is affirmed by the Merriam-Webster dictionary’s acknowledgement as the ‘2022 Word of the Year. However, while this status may attract academic curiosity from linguistic quarters, beyond, its omens are far more severe. According to Merriam-Webster, the 1740% spike in searches for the word indicates growing awareness about gaslighting and a possibly high occurrence level. Ìwa wèrè!

    Merriam-Webster describes gaslighting “as the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for a personal advantage.” Elétàn! The deception, the deceiver, the manipulator. A less concise definition by the same source views it as psychological manipulation that extends over some time, the impact being that the affected person questions the validity of their thoughts. For researcher Page Sweet, it is even more extreme. She regards it as a set of attempts to inspire feelings of craziness in another person. The person sees himself as a wèrè

Wèrè lo pè mí?

Are you calling me a mad person?

Beeni, wèrè ni é.

Yes, you are mad!

You have come across one wèrè today. Iyabo and Samuel are both lovers. As of today, one of them will become converted to a were by tomorrow.  Romantic relationships are perhaps some of the most fertile areas for gaslighting. Iyabo sees Samuel as a were. Samuel sees Iyabo as an ògbólògbó wèrè. Out of the many couples you see in your church, half of them are already wèrè. Wèrè aláso. Given the emotional attachment and consequent vulnerability to the opinions of a significant other, it is not difficult to see how manipulation might come into play. What increases the potency here is the familiarity shared between both parties. Understanding another person’s character can constitute a handy tool in making them believe that they are only acting in a certain way because they are thus inclined psychologically.

    For instance, awareness of a partner’s tendency to overthink or be outright emotional provides a straightforward path to convincing them that they are wrong and have only acted out a characteristic script. The result is doubt in the quality of one’s actions and gradual reliance on feedback from that partner. This is driven by the fear of losing the vital companionship provided by that person and can be worsened by sociocultural influences and obligations. In marital arrangements, it is substantially difficult to push back against manipulation, especially when the likely outcome is disruption of the family home and societal disapproval. The presence of children for whom a spouse finds proper parenting integral and an imbalance in the economic capacity of one partner concerning another are additional factors that extend the vulnerability.

From this, it can be deduced that women face greater exposure to gaslighting in spousal relationships, tipping the discourse towards gender. Growing up in Ibadan, I saw too many wèrès everywhere, but they were not those roaming the streets, but those the husbands call wèrè all the time. “Ìwo wèrè yìí, where is my food?” “Ìwo wèrè, kò tíì ready!”  The discrimination against women in numerous areas of socioeconomic existence doubles the risk of manipulation at every turn, and worse, there is the inability to withdraw even after recognizing it. We can expand this web to include statements we have learned to consider fairly innocuous because of our culture. Statements that explain behaviour as a simple product of gender qualifying it with remarks like “you’re/she’s a woman, after all.” The downside is that such views tend to be internalized by the victims of gaslighting themselves such that their attitudes are rationalized as birthed by their gender. Subsequently, without direct male interference to drive it across, it becomes circulated among females, establishing a degree of subservience and an idea that particular outward expressions are wrong when relating to their partners.

    However, gaslighting of this nature is not restricted to African or stereotypically patriarchal cultures alone. The researcher Page Sweet documented that it exists even in liberal societies like the United States. The author described domestic violence cases, many of which relied on exertions of psychological control by the male partner. Data gathered by the National Domestic Violence Hotline in 2014 revealed that 73.8 per cent of adult female hotline callers had experienced and admitted that their partners had tried to make them feel like they were losing touch with rationality. To inquiries on whether they had been threatened with involvement of the authorities on the state of their mental health by a partner, more than 50 per cent responded in the affirmative – a discovery that bears a distinct similarity to the plot in George Cukor’s movie.

    As expected, gaslighting and physical violence in romantic relationships are complementary tools. To preserve the relationship, an abuser defines aggression as a consequence of the victim’s acts. “If you had not acted that way,” “Look what you made me do,” and a variety of other tonalities are ways blame is transferred to the embattled partner. Similar responses are leveraged at a broader societal level when casting aspersion on rape victims, weaving the violation as a fault of the abused’s dressing, their overly affable demeanour, adventurous spirit, or even naivete. We can thus begin to see how embedded gaslighting is in some elementary facts of existence that are easily taken for granted.

      When next you hear a man calling a woman a were, know that the woman is not mad; the man is gaslighting her. If you call her wèrè, she will not bother to go to Arò. She will begin to behave exactly the way you want: either as a real wèrè to you, a real wèrè to herself, or ògbólògbó wèrè to everybody. Eventually, everyone will shout:

Lé wèrè è dànù!

This is how marriages end: the termination of a relationship when the other person becomes a were. Gaslighting!

     In the next Part, I will tell you about àwón wèrè ibisé, that is, gaslighting in the workplace, as common as those in households. Only God knows the number of wèrè at Aso Rock, although not as many as those at Alausa in Lagos!

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Philosophy, Meaninglessness And The Nature  Of Politics In Nigeria



Prof. Tunji Olaopa

By  Tunji Olaopa

Let me start this piece on a reflective note, and then connect the reflection with my concern for the political trajectory of the Nigerian state. And where else to start than with one of the wisdom quotes of Socrates. According to him, By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” To be sure, this is not just advice on marital bliss. It contains a gem of philosophical insight that is both universal and particular, as I aim to demonstrate. Marrying a bad wife is Socrates’ own way of signaling dissatisfaction, discomfort and distress as the key to making sense of life. We then immediately understand the cogent sense in Karl Marx’s reaction to the opiate quality that religion brings to bear on the critical sense the people ought to have. By saying “religion is the opium of the people,” Marx meant to say that religion deadens the emancipatory possibilities that discomfort and distress bring to human existence. And even when Jesus began to espouse the theology of being “poor in spirit,” it points to the same issue of coming to a full spiritual awareness only with the realization that you are first poor in spirit. 

Life, and the experience of existence and who we are, revolves around the meaning we ascribe to who we are and how we interpret life and the meaning of human existence. This is where one will recognize, again, the genius of Fela Anikulapo Kuti in capturing the tragic and traumatic rhythm of existence in Nigeria. In “Shuffering and Shmiling,” we come face to face with a realistic assessment of Nigerian life, and especially the complacence we all sit comfortably in while we are getting traumatized. While the Imam, Pope and Archbishop are enjoying, Nigerians are somnolent in suffering. And their enjoyment derives from their capacity to keep Nigerians politically mute about their situation. However, and without slinging any mud, is it not interesting that while those who brought Christianity to Africa have adapted their faith to a capitalist ethos—a la Max Weber’s Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism—we are still trooping to church, spending our hard- earned money, and always looking towards heaven without equally sufficient thought on how to actively navigate the path towards progress on this earthly plane? 

And we can easily see how this reflective path I am taking in this piece leads inexorably into the understanding of what Nigerians have made of their capacity for an active citizenship that vigorously queries the government on what it is making of the commonweal or the social contract which is meant to make their lives qualitatively better than they presently are. And yet, in most instances, Nigerians have often retreated. The recent fuel subsidy and the #EndSARS protests are exceptions from the rule of consistently backing away from a constructive engagement with the government and instead building “local government areas” in communities. In other word, every community takes up the responsibility of government in self-help arrangements where private guards and vigilance groups replace the state security framework, boreholes and wells replace water boards, generators and solar inverters replace electricity providers, private schools take over from public schools, and so on. 

The perceptive reader would indeed have preceded me to the point I have reached in this reflection; the point of asking what the nature of politics really is. Let me return to the Greek philosophers. Plato once said that until philosophers become kings or kings become philosophers, cities will never have rest from evils. The reason for his insistence is simple: political greatness and philosophical wisdom ought to meet in one person. And yet, even the great Athenian city-state could not make that aspiration of a philosopher-king possible. Plato wanted to become a great politician, like Solon and Pericles. But then Athens was rapidly declining, and with it also the counsel of justice. And this was exactly the reason Socrates, Plato’s teacher, was judicially murdered, and Plato’s aspiration of becoming a philosopher-king summarily aborted. With Solon and Pericles, there was a progressive and increasingly successful attempts at rehabilitating the Athenian constitution to make it better able to serve the Athenian citizens. 

The unfortunate thing is that the understanding of the nature of politics, or who a politician is, is still very crucial till today, and especially in a postcolonial state like Nigeria. And unfortunately, still, the trajectory of the decline of ancient Athens and her struggling to regain her democratic antecedent has remained my perception of the failure of politics in Nigeria since 1966. Nigeria’s governance experiment has birthed a  series of false starts, wrong moves, uncritical governance models as well as an evolving political class that kept undermining the hope of an emerging political culture around which the Nigerian project can be finally and fully resolved. All these coalesce into the terrible dynamic we have grown to call the “Nigerian Factor”. Permit me to highlight just four dimensions of that enigmatic dynamic that has constrained Nigeria’s progress and national development since independence.

The first, for me, is the lack of a coherent vision of national well-being by a clueless political class that points at a blueprint for a better future for Nigeria and Nigerians. This is to say that the elite nationalistic framework that has served as the pathway for enlightened reflection on development for other countries is still floundering in Nigeria. On the contrary, the elite has been rather preoccupied by an extractive logic that operationalize primitive accumulation to the detriment of the commonweal. The second dimension, and a logical corollary of the first, is the incapacity of Nigeria’s political parties to serve as the framework for defining the ideological deployment of power that conditions governance models and development direction. Capturing power, the fundamental objective of all political parties, is in this case not aligned with a purposeful transformative agenda which makes the party a change agent and also ensures legitimacy for those the parties are fielding for political positions. 

The third issue comes from the inevitable listlessness of the development agenda that has not yielded any headway for transforming the lives of Nigerians. And hence, Nigeria has been benchmarking the failure of her development planning for sixty-three years. An extractive political class, riding on political parties that just want to capture power, could only lead to a development agenda without any content. And lastly, we see how the epileptic development agenda would fail to backstop the rehabilitation of the Nigerian national project of integrating the diverse constituents of the Nigerian state around a civic nationalism—making ethnic nationalities believe in one Nigeria. 

The great lesson of sixty-three years of Nigerian attempt at making a headway of politics and governance, is that the task of making Nigeria great—and politics a vehicle for good governance—can no longer be left for professional politicians alone. It is this same conclusion that led to the institutional expansion of the concept of governance to bring non-state and non-governmental actors within the same confines with government officials, functionaries and apparatuses in making governance work for the citizens. Now, it is time to expand the field of politics, and make it a mechanism for taking Nigeria more seriously than the politicians and the political class in Nigeria have taken. I am arguing that the idea of the “elite” in elite nationalism now needs more genuine and patriotic coalition of professionals and intellectuals, including the civil society organizations and other professional associations. The revolutionary task is that of tempering the opportunism that has characterized the trajectory of the Nigerian polity from independence till date—the opportunism of a greedy political class that has compromised Nigeria’s greatness. 

And this is the message I took to the keynote responsibility at the annual workshop of the Association of Professional Bodies of Nigeria (APBN) in September. The message is that the Nigerian professionals and professional bodies have a redemptive responsibility to weigh in on Nigeria’s survival as a nation with potential. Nigeria needs the critical insertion of professionals with the proper brew of patriotism and professionalism into the policy architecture. The professional sees herself as being involved in a calling—a vocation, rather than just seeking for self-gratification. This is the first responsibility of a professional body like the APBN: the responsible gatekeeping of professionalism in Nigeria’s professional life. And given where the professional is mostly coming from, the private sector, there is an immediate and urgent need to instigate the institutionalization and functional optimality of the public-private partnership around which most government and their policy initiatives in the world take their strength. This is the kind of partnership that distinguishes the Nigerian Economic Summit Group (NESG) as one of the nation’s leading think-tanks

To be able to make the Nigeria government serve Nigerians, professionals and intellectuals need to invigorate the trajectory of policy making in Nigeria in ways that assist in fashioning a direction for governance and making elite nationalism more fulfilling as a pathway to an ideological understanding of politics. This way, Nigeria’s professionals have a hand in rescuing the Nigerian state from a headlong descent into meaningfulness and anomie. At least, they owe that to Nigerians.         

Olaopa is a retired Federal Permanent Secretary, and Professor of Public Administration .


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The Toyin Falola Interviews: Panel Discussion On Coups In Africa: Geo-Politics, Legitimacies, And Resource Management



Dr.Claire Princess Ayelotan

By Claire Princess Ayelotan

It is imperative that we acknowledge the need to shift away from Maradona democracy in Africa. The panels have aptly articulated this sentiment. The root of this issue lies in the need for a change in mindset through education. Unfortunately, even education cannot guarantee a change in ignorance, as displayed by some politicians.

The true challenge is the disunity among Africans that external actors routinely exploit. This makes coming together to establish a contextualised democracy challenging, reminiscent of the biblical passage “to your tent, oh Israel (1 Kings 12:16b)”. A house divided against itself cannot stand and will inevitably fall apart under any pressure. This is why thieves will come without hesitation to steal, kill, and eventually destroy. During pre-colonial times, some African leaders participated in the colonisation of their own people. It is also widely acknowledged that many elites were responsible for selling their people to slavery during imperialism. As mentioned above, the elites or their descendants also bear significant responsibility for disrupting and undermining long-standing traditions, religions, and belief systems in Africa. It is of great concern that I note the considerable impact of Western imperialism on Africa’s cultural landscape. Introducing toxic religio-cultural practices has contributed to decades of turmoil and instability of the continent. One such could be deducted from Jean-Marc Ela that “The God of missionary preaching was a God so distant, so foreign to the history of the colonised people (Ela 1986, 29).” They presented a facade of aid and benevolence to the people of Africa, but in reality, their actions were intended to maintain the subjugation of the indigenous population long after the colonialists had departed.

The extent to which these African elites were manipulated remains unclear; however, the same sense of disunity among Africans has once again become apparent. The divided house is crumbling! ECOWAS’s decision to launch an attack on Niger in response to the military coup that occurred raises several questions about the organisation’s motivations and consistency in addressing such events in the region. Specifically, why did ECOWAS choose to act against Niger while other countries, such as Mali, Guinea, and Gabon, have experienced similar military takeovers with no apparent action from the organisation? Whose voices are they listening to or hearing? Could they be concerned that they could be their respective nations that will soon undergo military coups? Niger’s neighbour, Nigeria serves as a compelling illustration of the potential for a severe social or political crisis. Given the persistent poverty and the glaring disparities between the wealthy and disadvantaged segments of the population, it is conceivable that an incident more catastrophic than a military coup may soon occur.

It is crucial to explore these discrepancies to understand ECOWAS’ role in maintaining instability in West Africa. Launching an attack on Niger is an infringement of Niger’s sovereignty and a clear violation of the Rule of Law. First, Niger is a sovereign nation, not a battlefield for mineral resources. It is imperative to consider the financial implications of engaging in armed conflict, including the loss of lives, psychological trauma, exploitation of the vulnerable, and forced displacement. Nigeria, which has long struggled to secure adequate food supplies for its population, would face significant challenges in providing sustenance to Nigerien refugees in the event of a war. Second, according to Sir Tom Bingham (2011, 8), the importance of the rule of law is that regardless of the type of authority represented by persons or organisations, the laws enacted and enforced in public must be binding on them, which requires clear, consistent, fair, and impartial laws, without discrimination or favouritism. In contemporary democracies, the observance of legal precepts is recognised as a fundamental aspect of effective administration, which appears to be absent in the governance of many African countries.

Moreover, the recent declaration by the President of France, Emmanuel Macron, regarding the withdrawal of French troops from Niger before the end of December has raised concerns about the durability of this decision (France24, 2023). The troops in question had been stationed in Mali for nearly a decade but were compelled to leave the country in February of the previous year (Chrisafis and Burke, 2022). Subsequently, they were moved to Niger. This development serves as a distressing reminder of the situation in Afghanistan when the United States and its allies withdrew their forces (Stewart and Ali 2021) and raised spectres of history repeating itself too soon.

However, there were some concerns. It is unclear whether this is a temporary measure to allow for full-scale clashes between military insurgents and the ECOWAS or a permanent one. Additionally, a country’s claim that its ambassador is being held hostage in Niger raises questions about the truthfulness of this statement as there is no evidence to support this claim. No one is holding the ambassador, as he is free to leave Niger. The Nigerien military simply revoked his diplomatic immunity. It is widely known that France initially declined to withdraw, and the reason was well known.

If a military force from an African country invaded France and refused to withdraw, what would France do? The French government would likely take some steps to address the situation. These might include diplomatic efforts to negotiate a resolution, deployment of military forces to defend against further incursions, and implementation of economic or other sanctions against the invading country. Ultimately, the specific actions that France would take in this situation would depend on some factors, including the scale and nature of the invasion, capabilities of the French military, and the situation’s broader political and strategic context. Furthermore, France’s continued presence in the region has been met with criticism regarding its hostile relationship with francophones and has called into question the continuity of disguised colonialism in these regions.

A similar façade to the above is France’s hard-line stance on migrants from Lampedusa, Italy. On Tuesday, the 19th of September, the French interior minister, Gérald Darmanin, was invited and interviewed in the TF1 8 pm news about the sudden arrival of nearly 9000 migrants in Lampedusa. He replied, ‘La France n’accueillera pas de migrants’ meaning France will not welcome migrants (Timsit 2023). It is not being suggested that France should open its borders without restrictions to accommodate all migrants, as such an action would prove overwhelming and untenable. Instead, the issue at hand concerns the question of what steps should be taken concerning migrants who hail from countries that have been or continue to be exploited by nations that refuse to accept them. If the African continent were to experience development, would the current influx of migrants (including oneself) be witnessed? It is universally acknowledged that when one casts stones, they should not be surprised if the projectiles land upon their abode, causing them to crumble and be destroyed.

It is clear that the various perspectives on this issue require further examination. Africa is in crisis because of adopted foreign values that are inadaptable to the continent. Last night, Professor Mary Owusu mentioned the need to return to history and I agreed. This means that Africa must find its voice and necessitates excavating our heritage beyond the pre-colonial period to reclaim our dignity. Otherwise, it will continue running hopelessly in the dark with no hint of light in the tunnel (Ela 1986, 100). Africa must abandon its foreign-style democracy, akin to Maradona’s brand of leadership, in favour of a democratic system that is tailored to our socio-cultural and religious values. Until such a time, the probability of military coups or even more catastrophic events is unavoidable.

Ayelotan, MA, MA, PhD, PDSL, ACIArb, IMI,Theology & Religious Studies, University of Roehampton.

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Moral Values In A Changing World



Prof. Hope Eghagha

By Hope O’Rukevbe Eghagha

JUSTICE: This world has degenerated into abysmal filth, immoral ungodly concupiscence, infantile greed, atavistic, primitive acquisition of property, and satanic hopelessness! The judiciary, the political class, the church, our royal fathers, and most other socio-cultural institutions have fallen into the cesspit of indiscipline and lack of respect for ethics! The Labour movement that used to be in the forefront of discipline cannot be trusted anymore!

MARIAM: Hehehehehehe! Okpoyibo! Big grammar is talking. I must invite Hon Patrick Obahiagbon to compete with you on explosive vocabulary.

PROFESSOR: That’s an old song. Our parents said the same thing some forty odd years ago.

UMUKORO: You are right; it is the way of the old to berate the world and say the past was better!

JUSTICE: Kindly don’t reduce the profundity of my introspective submission to the jejune level of the banal as has been the hallmark of pseudo-intellectuals in the polity!

MARIAM: I am going to get a new and bigger dictionary. I can’t find Michael West anymore!

JUSTICE: If you still restrict yourself to the archaic confines of Michael West, then you are a victim of historical detention, arrested development, and exploration of the brave new world!

MARIAM: I give up!

UMUKORO: Who still uses a dictionary in the 21st century? Ask Google my dear, ask Google!

JUSTICE: Your infantile and rudimentary knowledge of homonyms limits your capacity to process thoughts of the new century. Away with you, thou physically beautiful body without an intellectual soul. I take exception to people denigrating my exceptionally brilliant exegesis on the state of Homo sapiens!

PASTOR: ‘And in the last days, iniquity shall abound and the love of many shall wax cold’, so said the Master. The time is here!

PROFESSOR: A broken record! A broken record waxed hundreds of years ago!

PASTOR: But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved!

PROFESSOR: Saved from what? Another holocaust? Another atomic bomb dumped on humanity?

PASTOR: Do you spurn sacred and biblical prophecies?

PROFESSOR: General prophecies mean nothing to me. Look here Mr Pastor. For all the false prophecies which members of your infernal gang of profiteering pastors gave before the last general elections, you should be behind the bars of God!

JUSTICE: It is not late, not too late at all. The hounds of heaven are waiting for all the false pastors, especially those who have commercialized the Lord’s work! A wonderful and abominable thing is happening in the land. The prophets prophesy falsely, and the people love it so!

PROFESSOR: One preacher I knew used to say that one false prophet was more dangerous than 100 armed robbers. Now I understand why!

UMUKORO: Armed robbery is no longer fashionable. Pen robbery fetches millions of naira with one stroke. Just add two zeros to the figure or transfer public funds to a private account.

PROFESSOR: I spoke metaphorically!

PASTOR: When it is becoming fashionable for persons of the same gender to marry and be recognized by the state, then the world is coming to an end.

UMUKORO: Sodom and Gomorrah incurred God’s wrath with that abomination!


MARIAM: When Supreme Court judges dispense political justice, then the end of the state as we knew it, has come.

UMUKORO: Even in America! Democratic judges give judgment guided by the so-called liberal values of the democrats while republican judges give conservative verdicts like abolishing the right to having an abortion!

JUSTICE: What then is justice?

MARIAM: Self solution! Your name is justice!

PROFESSOR: Aren’t we mixing oranges and apples in the same basket?

PASTOR: Let the tares and the wheat grow. At the harvest the Lord shall do the separation of sheep from goats!

JUSTICE: Eschatological metaphors can be used to rationalize and explain currents and undercurrents of contemporary events. It is very convenient to do so!

PROFESSOR: I am disappointed that our Nobel laureate could make such a one-sided pronouncement on the 2023 general elections. Unlike him, he didn’t speak like a man who comprehends the totality of our traumatic experience in February 2023!

MARIAM: But he spoke his mind. The Constitution guarantees freedom of expression!

JUSTICE: He spoke with the finality of a judge. I respect him for that. But he should also like an elder have acknowledged the level of rigging and violence which marred the exercise. The general thinking is that he is silent on that aspect because a friend of his now occupies Aso Rock!

MARIAM: That is a most uncharitable thing to say about a man of such intellectual distinction and moral probity!

JUSTICE: Excuse me! Has he occupied any public office in the country to enable you to arrive at that conclusion? Has he been tested?

MARIAM: His name is a shield. His name travels before him.

JUSTICE: Why did he wait for the PEPT to make a pronouncement before proclaiming his tigritude?

PROFESSOR: Let’s leave that old man alone jor! I’m more interested in the shuffling feet at the CBN. What exactly is going on? Was there no due diligence before Shonubi was asked to act as Governor of the Central bank of Nigeria? Didn’t they know, couldn’t they have suspected that he was part of the rot that ran that institution aground in the dying days of the former president?

PASTOR: Alas, it has given the president the opportunity to appoint his own man as governor. The new man by all account is competent and exposed in the financial world!

PROFESSOR: My only worry is whether he will have the gumption to say no if he receives obnoxious directives from his boss.

JUSTICE: How many appointees in our country have the liver to say no to the indiscretion of their bosses? It is not in our DNA!

MARIAM: In Lagos state, the Speaker of House said no to the governor on the appointment of some commissioners! The heavens did not fall.

PROFESSOR: The heavens almost fell. But that speaker is arrogant. No big man can trust him. Or was he dancing to music being played in higher quarters to spite the governor?

MARIAM: Who knows! It is possible. The ways of politicians are not straightforward. How could he say that he and the governor are colleagues! He has no respect for the office!

UMUKORO: I felt sorry for the governor! This attempt to humiliate him all in the name of politics.

JUSTICE: I hear it is all about 2024. If he is thinking of becoming governor, that statement will return to haunt him in future!

PASTOR: Now! Now! Now! Is the Dubai visa ban still hanging over us or Mr. President got the desert kings to lift the embargo?

JUSTICE: Is there any ‘gbajue’ going on?

PROFESSOR: Hahahahahaha! The more you look, the less you see. Proverbs to bones and silence!

UMUKORO: I don’t think it is ‘gbajue! It is possible that there was an agreement in principle which would require Nigeria to finetune certain details before going public. A federal government cannot tell lies about such public matters!

PASTOR: When the saviour comes, let him that be on the rooftop not come down to be saved. You will run to the mountain and the mountain will be melting!

MARIAM: And the sea will be boiling!

PROFESSOR: Who will save us? Who can take the nation back to factory reset? Shall we invite Nnamdi Azikiwe, Obafemi Awolowo, Gen. Aguiyi Ironsi, and Ahmadu Bello to rescue us?

PASTOR: Perish such thoughts please! Those men have not been able to save themselves. How can they save anybody? Jesus Christ is the answer!

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